New Family Dynamic
Family transitions are not easy. It is crucial for parents who are ending their marriage or partnership to find a strong support system and utilize it throughout the divorce or separation process. Turning to supportive friends can be helpful, but when it comes to creating a healthy co-parenting dynamic that will support the children and keep them on track socially, emotionally, and academically, seeking out and utilizing a professional can make a world of difference.
There are counselors who work to assist parents during this difficult time and others who work directly with children and can help identify the children’s specialized needs as changes take place and a new way of life for the children takes shape.
Brain Development
Brain development plays a critical role in child development and overall well-being. Because brains are shaped by experiences, the experiences children have early on are significant and can have a profound effect on their entire lives. When parents are separating, unmanaged conflict between parents may lead to stress in children and result in a life-long susceptibility to stress, poor overall health and well-being, lower educational and economic achievement, and unhealthy relationships with others. Learn more about brain development at https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/.
Toxic Stress and Resiliency
Not all stress is bad. In fact, it is positive for children to experience age-appropriate levels of stress that result in brief increases in heart rate and mild elevations in stress hormone levels. However, if there are prolonged stressors affecting the children without the appropriate protective parental responses, this will result in harmful and potentially long-lasting consequences. It is essential for parents who are separating to manage and mitigate their conflicts in a safe and healthy way – and model these skills for the children – in an effort to ensure the children’s needs are being met and that their development is on a healthy course.
Colorado-based psychologist, Kathleen McNamara, Ph.D., recently shared on the subject and noted that it is also critical to recognize the signs that a child may be suffering from stress, sleep deprivation and/or experiencing sadness, loneliness, or a deficiency in nutrition and physical fitness. Knowing the signs and intervening early will help ensure a healthy outcome. Understand that these signs will differ for each individual child and may not always be obvious.
We all face adversity and hardships. Unmanaged conflict during divorce or separation can have a traumatic impact on everyone, especially children. Some of us are resilient. Some of us are not. Learn about developing resiliency in children at https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/resilience/. For information about toxic stress, visit https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/the-brain-architects-podcast-toxic-stress-protecting-the-foundation/.
Practical Solutions
Of course, parents want to identify and prioritize their kids’ needs during divorce or separation but actually doing so is easier said than done. Colorado law requires that the child’s “best interests” are paramount when determining parental responsibilities including parenting time and decision-making authority. Keeping the focus on the kids’ best interests will allow the children to thrive in a new family dynamic.
When high conflict or emotional distress is present, parents may greatly benefit from utilizing a professional divorce coach, seeking counseling, exploring the various collaborative methods of divorce using Collaboratively trained attorneys and other professionals (https://ccdp-law.org), as well as exploring the various electronic co-parenting communication tools available such as: CivilCommunicator.com, OurFamilyWizard, or TalkingParents. If one parent suffers from a substance abuse issue, it can help everyone develop peace of mind by utilizing technology such as Soberlink to help ensure safe parenting time. It may also be wise to put into place a plan for future conflict resolution assistance by way of a mediator, arbitrator, or a court-appointed Parenting Coordinator and/or Decision Maker.
Finding the Right Solution for Your Family
It’s not the divorce or separation per se that is harmful to the kids, it’s the unmanaged conflict and the inability to identify and meet the kids’ special needs throughout the separation process. A focus on the kiddos will help families transition and move forward in a positive direction.
Gabriela Sandoval is an Attorney Child and Family Investigator (CFI) and former Guardian ad Litem (GAL) representing the best interests of children in Dependency & Neglect and Juvenile Delinquency cases. She is a former Board-Certified Child Welfare Law Specialist (CWLS) certified by the National Association of Counsel for Children and a trained family law mediator. Contact Gabriela Sandoval online at http://childrenslawoffice.com/ or by phone at 303.621.5992.